A Quick Fix For Avoiding Eternal Damnation

by Sister Hildegard, abbess & ukulele virtuoso

Many of you have written to us worried about being relegated to ETERNAL DAMNATION. It is a serious concern in these dark days of Covid-19, when not-so-carefully-thought-out words on vaccinating and masking have caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. You may be wondering, how does this affect me?

Well… it may have been that professionally printed sign on your well-coiffed front lawn that read “No Face Diapers For My Family!” that convinced someone, who is not a CRITICAL THINKER like yourself, to show up at a Ted Nugent concert and join the mosh pit UNMASKED and UNVACCINATED.

Do you imagine God buys into your “right” to run errands and visit Aunt Vicky at the nursing home when you are unvaccinated and unmasked? What is His take on your spewing Covid aerosols ALL OVER TOWN? The BIGGER QUESTION: as you and your motorcycle buddies go around exercising your collective “god-given” rights, are you committing murder? What does that mean for your afterlife?

These are difficult questions to answer, so let me be really clear: if you pulled the trigger on a gun that killed someone, you have committed murder. AND, if you shoot tiny Covid germs out of your mouth and they land on your granny and she dies, YOU HAVE COMMITTED MURDER. That is a mortal sin. Hope that clears up this part of the equation for you bozos with the red MAGA caps.

You’ve got little time left on this planet due to your reckless behavior, so hop to it! No time for the usual hail Marys. The only way to keep from slipping down to purgatory is by purchasing a BROWN SCAPULAR.

While researching this subject, here’s what we found: Mary came to Simon in a dream (and apparently he'd not been drinking) and she said: “Receive most beloved son, the SCAPULAR of thy Order," blah, blah, blah. This little brown scapular was designed to protect you from the ETERNAL FIRE. Nothing else needed. Problem solved.

These brown scapulars are readily available and there are NO NEEDLES INVOLVED, so even you MAGA pansies should be able to wear one of these. And that includes all your self-righteous, fundamentalist, covidy drinking buddies. So order the 12-pack.

Hey guys, Mel Gibson swears by these, so don't try any of your horseshit macho excuses on me. And yes I just said three hail Marys, so get over it.

The supplier: Sisters of Carmel. And opt for the expedited shipping. You're going to need it.

Mel, back in the good old days, wearing his brown scapular

Mel post-heyday... as you can see, brown scapulars are not a substitute for eating vegetables, laying off the bottle, shaving and pressing your shirt (and no, I do not care if it's linen)