Is Jesus Too Soft On Crime?

Hi! I am Officer Datalounge, of San Quentin Prison, where I've worked for 13 years. I've gotten to know every manner of hardcore criminal, from rapists to serial killers. Most are pretty charismatic guys, which I'm guessing is how they lure in their victims and how they've lured in the Lord as well. Hey, sometimes even I get fooled! Until I have to clean up the bloody mess in the men’s showers.

Wayne Datalounge, correctional officer

When it comes to religion and Jesus, here’s what I’ve noticed:

✝️ It is pretty common for our prisoners to “receive the Lord” shortly before their parole hearings.

✝️ Their "coming to Jesus” is often brought up in the hearing as the reason they should be released immediately.

✝️ It is always expected that since Jesus forgave them for their sins (stalking, murder, rape, pedophilia), the parole board should follow His example.

OK, I get it. Jesus forgives all sins. And according to the chaplain, all you have to do is admit you are a sinner and that you need God’s help. Then you have to be willing to change your ways and repent. Pretty simple. But what I don’t understand is if after your unsuccessful parole hearing you beat your 76-year old bunkmate with pancreatic cancer to within an inch of his life, how many times is Jesus going to forgive you? 5 times? 20? Or an infinite number of times?? Some of these guys are sure it’s however many times they do the deed. They argue about this in the prison yard. I've noticed that a lot of them find God again pretty quickly after they have to cool their heels in solitary.

Arturo Landron, prisoner who has received Christ's forgiveness 48 times

This issue of forgiveness for an infinite number of sins is super confusing. I would say this to you, Jesus, with all due respect: how in God’s name can you forgive a guy who has dismembered thirty-one teenagers while they were still alive? I’m just thinking, hey, throw Satan a bone for God’s sake. Do you really need to hoard so many humans on the "good" side? These guys at San Quentin are like lemon cars. You can keep taking them in for repairs, but the engine block is cracked. Don't waste your money or salvation, seriously. Jesus, please don't be such a sucker for these guys. I watch them in the cafeteria line every day. The minute you look away, they grab the pudding off your tray. That never changes, ever.