READERS! Please weigh in.
No, this is not an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. We seek your help in choosing topics for our upcoming satire/opinion columns on religion.
For many, a baptism ceremony was the beginning of their misgivings about religion
The Church of Perpetual Reparations is growing like an invasive weed, likely due to mounting disgust nationally with religion generally. This week alone we had two new [free] Substack subscribers. Holy toots! And we reached a milestone of 666 followers on Twitter (soon to be “X”), thanks to my new friend Jerry Mander whom I met this morning. Instagram now has 236 followers, this after we’ve completely neglected that page for over a week and not surprisingly FB has only 7 followers and 5 likes. Religious satire is a bit too edgy for Meta, we have learned via our numerous “community standards violations.”
If you decide to visit the Perp Church, try to sit up front, especially if you’re wearing white linen pants. It’s been awhile since we dusted the pews in back.
“Bottled at the source”
EDITORIAL CALENDAR FOR PERP CHURCH
Before we set the Perp Church editorial calendar for the remainder of the 2023, we’d like our subscribers to weigh in. Let us know which topics are of interest and feel free to toss other ideas onto the collection plate. Though we enjoy skewering any and all religions, our specialty is really the christian faith (lowercase intentional) in all its atrocious variations.
SAMPLE TOPICS…
Random Nun Videos
Tik Tok videos of nuns doing everything from handwashing their support stockings, to deadheading rosebushes, dusting the crucifix, making soda bread, harvesting string beans and practicing silent vigils
Funerals To Die For
You’ll be sorry you can’t attend
Taking a Gander @ Propaganda
A monthly assessment of the latest and greatest in religious propaganda with Norm Tithewell
Best Colognes for the Deceased
And clever beauty hacks for your open-casket visitation
Christian Edition of the Periodic Table of the Elements
Includes all those hard-to-pin down elements of the Christian faith
Ortonville Consumer Retorts – Church Issue
Lorinda Birdwhistle visits all the churches in town and weighs in on where to get the most bang for your buck
Best Documentaries on the Catholic Church
You’ll quit taking communion after binge watching these
Favorite Transgressions of the Week
A deep dive into the wrongdoings of politicians, celebrities, religious leaders and outspoken believers and how they spin their sins to garner even more followers
Dissecting the Alter Noyef and Other Schmegegge of the Scripture
Rabbi Hyman Roshgnat ponders questionable sexual practices and miscellaneous nonsense alluded to in the Hebrew Scriptures
Athletes Praise God for Victories, But What for Their Losses?
Head Football Coach and Pastor, Ron Volfpach, ponders the hypocrisy of athletics who publicly attribute their successes to the Lord while sulking in the locker room after major defeats
“Thoughts & Prayers”
Readers send their heartfelt prayer requests each week and our church secretary, Myrna Bierwagon, puts together just the right wording to effect the needed miracles for these lost sheep
Magical Thinking with Duane Vandervelvet
Soon-to-be pastor Duane Vandervelvet discusses ways to weave the magical thinking of the bible into everyday life without completely losing your sense of reality and becoming unhinged
Mingling with The Matron
The “matron,” Sister Mary Ellen Nordichtrac, gives her weekly take on everything from naughtiest rap singers to best Las Vegas buffets
Chillaxing With Our Savior
Gen Z youth pastor, Ryan Cortez, discusses his lord’s fav brews, mountain bikes, hot sauces, podcasts, yoga pants, artisan sausages and more
Not Trending: Evangelicals
You have to wonder at what point their lord jesus christ says “Fucking enough already!” We explore a religious culture obsessed with unsavory politicians, guns, anti-woke concepts, attacking the LGBTQ community and the reversal of long-established civil rights, as well as being hell-bent on returning women to their proper place in the order of things.
The breeding of incels through evangelical sects as popularized by Senator Josh Hawley
The After Life (choose 1)
Uplifting Tunes For Your Funeral (“Staying Alive,” etc.)
Platitudes to Avoid at Open Casket Viewings
No One Liked Uncle Trevor; Is a Revenge Obit Appropriate
Word Salad with Pastor Todd
Having friends over for dinner and hoping to bring them into the “fold”? Pastor Todd offers up perfect come-to-Jesus “recipes” to accompany your string bean casserole and pot roast
Stylin’ with the Rabbi, Priest, Shaman, Pastor and Shaykh
Which religions have the most eye-catching, pretentious apparel? Animated slideshow with rap music.
A Brief and Disturbing History of “The Dark Box”
The confessional… a creepy place with a creepy history
The XBible
No need to wade through all the jibberish… we’ll put your nose right on all the juiciest passages in the bible (mainly Old Testament)
Papal Scandals
Trying to wrap our heads around how this man of god’s net worth is $16M and why Pope Francis is slow walking the resolution of 10’s of thousands of child sex abuse cases
Who thinks up this weird ass shit?
We look forwarding to hearing your thoughts on all!
Visit us on Twitter (@PerpChurch), on Instagram (@perpchurch) and on Facebook (@PerpChurch). Lots of fun stuff. Meet fellow atheists. 🙏🏼
Word salad…..the perpetual standby to keeping the flock in step