At the same time the airline industry struggles with a severe shortage of personnel due to Covid-19 and growing passenger violence, folks are leaving the Catholic Church in droves due to pedophilia scandals and the Vatican’s tone deaf response to issues of the day. The result: airlines struggle to keep flights on the schedule and nuns are running out of crocheting projects.
Earlier this month, Airlines for America, a lobbying group, proposed a meeting of minds with Pope Francis. In this highly secret tête-à-tête, the Vatican and major airline executives discussed the possibility of hiring nuns to fill the massive personnel void. Nuns would resolve a number of problems that plague the industry:
🙏🏼 Declining revenue: nuns work at substandard wages and don’t need benefits (provided by the Church)
✈️ Uniform costs eliminated as nuns would wear the habit, identifying as flight attendants via a broach with company logo
🙏🏼 Nuns well-trained at dealing with behavior problems; an asset for all airline personnel (ruler cost: $0.49 pp)
✈️ Bullies less likely to punch out a nun than an airline host/hostess
🙏🏼 Nuns adept at mixing cocktails (for priests) and can readily adapt to providing hospitality for lay people
✈️ Sexual harassment kept to a minimum: no hanky panky between airline hostesses and first class business passengers
🙏🏼 Nuns are sturdy and would be adept at crossover tasks such as baggage handling and loading carry-ons into overhead bins, as well as taking down and duct-taping maskless rednecks
✈️ Nuns have medical training
🙏🏼 Nuns can read last rites in worst case scenarios
In exchange for their skillful contributions, airlines would make the following concessions:
✈️ Nuns be allowed to recruit church members on all North American flights
🙏🏼 The equivalent of the nuns’ “wages” would be sent via direct deposit to the Vatican Bank
A marriage made in heaven, perhaps?
YES, for those with good manners. HELL NO for those who dare to break the rules.