The Real Life of Jesus

Who was this guy, really?

I think we can all agree Jesus isn’t coming back anytime soon. Shit, it’s already been 1,990 years and no one has seen hide nor hair of him. Not-so-good-Friday, the day Jesus died, was April 3, AD 33, like waaay back during the time of Emperor Tiberius. Historians are pretty sure Tiberius didn’t given a rat’s ass about Jesus, as there is no indication whatsoever that he was even aware of who Jesus was, let alone that he was “the son of god.” And Tiberius would have wondered which god’s son exactly… Jupiter, Juno, Minerva?

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Tiberius, Emperor of the Roman Empire (ruled AD 14 - 37). Tiberius was Mark Zuckerberg’s great great great great great great great uncle according to 23andMe.

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The reality? Jesus was an unknown yahoo who grew up in Nazareth and ended up in Judea, an area that during his lifetime had collapsed into chaos. Judea was RIPE as a sweaty pair of tube socks for the religious fanaticism that followed. Weirdos roamed the countryside expounding on new religious beliefs, drawing huge crowds and causing loads of trouble. If this sounds a bit like a Trump rally, it was.

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Judea. A real dump. Jesus supposedly uttered these words: “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.” I’m guessing this was Jesus’ way of getting first dibs at throwing rocks - seeing as he’s the guy “without sin.” Lots and lots of rocks in Judea.

The toilets in Judea. These were for everyone: men, women, transgender folks, you name it. Another thing Jesus and the Christian right ruined: communal toilets.

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“Marcus” Pontius Pilate, governor-of-sorts for Judea. He was a snappy dresser, don’t ya think?

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Pontius Pilate, the “governor” of Judea, who was affectionately known as “Marcus” by his home boys, knew Jesus and his rag-tag gang of idealists all too well. Let’s just say this, Marcus had good reason to be pissed at Jesus, as he was constantly spouting off horseshit about being “an absolute equal with God” (Jesus’ exact words purportedly). These unhinged proclamations offended the whole community Marcus was tasked with protecting. “Who in the fuck says that?” was no doubt going through his mind.

And then there was the issue of Jesus and his protesters disrupting Passover and whatnot. Jesus may or may not have worn an actual crown of thorns (that’s pure speculation, by the way), but he was for sure a huge thorn in the sides of the local villagers. That is a bald-faced fact. And the villagers, well, they had a ton of nasty nicknames for Jesus, some of which can be found in the Urban Thesaurus.

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For the unabridged listing of Jesus Christ blasphemy, visit the Urban Thesaurus.

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So tiresome, all of this conflict. Let’s take a breather and enjoy a wee musical excursion before delving further into the abyss of bullshit that is the bible.

Ray “The High Priest” Charles totally deserves his nickname. I think atheists and Christians alike can agree on that. Enjoy!

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Hide Nor Hair, Ray Charles: “I ain’t seen hide nor hair of my baby [Jesus] since that day.” Note: Ray is blind, so that could be the issue.

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Okay back to the J.C. dissection…

Alrighty, almighty… let’s start by disemboweling the notion of Jesus’ connections to “The Father” and “The Holy Ghost.” Trying to define that shit is more difficult than nailing jello to a wall, even those hard, inedible Knox Blox those of you who grew up in the 70’s had to endure.

For starters, there is no proof whatsoever that Jesus had supernatural connections. NONE. And even more importantly, what proof is there of a “father-who-art-in-heaven” or a “holy-ghost”? NONE. Only a fool could wrap their head around that trinity mumbo jumbo.

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The holy spirit on the streets in NYC. Ever noticed the holy ghost is always depicted as a dove/pigeon? Guess NYC is especially blessed. “If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.”

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And the bible, what the hell is that, exactly? That’s easy… an ancient form of social media written by a bunch of Jesus’ homies and all they’re doing is backing up each other’s alibis. This ancient papyrus platform is about as valid as a TikTok video on thoracic surgery. And did you ever notice there are no authoritative sources cited in the bible (minus the shit “biblical scholars” toss in)? All of this is a bit sketch for my taste. And the credentials of the bible’s authors? Also NONE. The New Testament is just one big circle of sacramental back scratching.

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These held up pretty well, gotta give them that. I imagine there won’t be a place to charge my MacBook Pro in 2000 years, so good thinking on their part, just jotting this shit down on parchment.

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I can tell you this, Perry Mason could have unpacked that suitcase of biblical bullshit in two seconds. And had he done so, humanity might have been spared 35 - 60 million deaths during WW2 alone, a war fueled by Christian-white supremacy. And let’s do a quick rundown of all the other wars fought in the name of Jesus… like the nine Crusades, the eight French wars of religion, the Inquisition, the 30-years war in Germany/Poland/Sweden, etc. Guess who was the role model for all that killing, supposedly: Jesus. “The Prince of ‘Peace.’”

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If you thought Jesus suffered, you should see what his followers did in his name during the Inquisition. Yikes.

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So what we do know really about Jesus and his lackeys? For starters, they were instructed by THE MAN to look and act in a very specific way, which by the social norms of their day put them in the category of what we might call a “street gang.” Others considered them shysters (FYI… “shyster” is from the German word for excrement, not derived from Shylock from The Merchant of Venice, so chill out).

The disciples were adept at gathering up a crowd, then tricking folks into following Jesus by having him perform stunts like levitation, feeding 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish (wtf), reversing some guy’s paralysis (that trick’s a no brainer) and the stilling of a storm. I can count a hundred times the Weather Channel forecast was off. There’s no “miracle” there, just a gradient wind shoving the thunderheads south. Hell, anyone and his brother could claim to have averted a storm. Jesus was really just the David Copperfield of his era. And come to think of it, he might have resembled him. No one ever said Jesus had facial hair.

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Jesus feeding the 5000. Yeah, right. Looks like Woodstock.

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Jesus told the disciples that whenever they were traveling about and laying down his dogma to the masses, they were to follow this protocol: there were to be no backpacks, no bread, no wallets, and they were expected to wear sandals and only ONE tunic. Just one. That was the limit. All of this is stipulated in the bible. 🙄 And if the disciples’ words of wisdom were REJECTED by the villagers at any particular location, the disciples were to “shake the dust off their feet” - a gesture considered supremely rude and disrespectful in those days of yore.

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Style 2, Brown Leather Jesus Sandals, from the Holy Land. Available on Amazon. 5-star reviews from The Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

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Hopefully you’re getting the picture… disciples dressing alike, making themselves look poor to elicit sympathy and donations, then tricking people into accepting Jesus’ doctrine and following him without questioning his authority. Jesus was, in essence, a gang leader. And when Jesus’ doctrine didn’t go over well with the locals, which was often the case, the disciples were to figuratively give them the middle finger (i.e. “shaking the dust”). They sound a little like the El Rukns of the Roman Empire.

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The disciples chillaxing with J.C.

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Now that we’ve established that the disciples were an arrogant, asshole, hippy GANG, we can move on to my assertion that Jesus was likely very good looking, and that his appearance was surely a major factor in his “flock” growing so quickly. I’m imagining he was a bit like Jim Morrison… irresistible to women, wrote mediocre poetry, and what do you know… he also suffered an early death. Jesus was 33, Morrison was 27. Hmmm, an odd coincidence. Yeah, yeah, we know there was more to the Jesus show, but magic tricks will only get you so far. It was likely his good looks that ruled the day, human nature being what it is, and all.

And as is well-documented, Jesus was known to be of Jewish descent, which right off the bat indicates a few things, namely that he did not have blond hair and blue eyes or fair skin despite those masterful Flemish renditions of him. We’re also pretty sure Ashkenaz Jews weren’t a thing back in Nazareth or Judea, so it’s unlikely the Jews of his day had gorgeous blue eyes like Jake Gyllenhaal. Also seems pretty clear from extensive genome research that Jesus’ physical traits were similar to that of Arabs and middle eastern ethnicities, not Swedes or Norwegians. And who’s gonna knock that?! Damn those guys are hot.

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Wish away, but it’s unlikely Jesus looked like Jake. He may have resembled this hot Arab guy, however. 😍

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One other bit of useful information (from SCIENTISTS) points to the fact that over 2000 years ago, Jews were “intermingling” pretty regularly with good-looking sub-Saharan Africans. I’m thinking we really need to consider how that genome thing may have impacted Jesus’ appearance, too. In the best way, of course. Like the difference between Kareem Jeffries and Kevin McCarthy. 😉

And since we don’t have any real images of Jesus, minus that nasty Shroud of Turin and some mysterious sightings on toast, potato chips and potstickers, any new concepts for Jesus’ appearance should be based on the common physical traits of menfolk from his time and that region, though we may throw in a few unlikely candidates for sheer entertainment. I mean, you never really know who may have been passing through Nazareth selling essential oils to the womenfolk, right?

In figuring out how Jesus might have looked we don’t have a lot to go on, but this is a start.

Before we submit recommendations to Pope Francis for the updated Christ Pantocrator (aka official depiction of Christ), we would like YOU, our readers, to weigh in.

Please send us your choice for the new “Jesus” look from the options on the video below. Submit your recommendations in our comments section…

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HOT NEW LOOKS FOR JESUS