Thoughts & Prayers Boosters Recommended

"Do Not Let Satan Enter Your Body Through Covid-19 Antibodies"

by the Bishop of the Pentecostal Church of God

From his throne in Bedford, Texas, Bishop Waylon Abernathy of The Pentecostal Church of God has issued an edict in response to the winter surge of so-called "China virus" and the emergence of the new Omicron variant. “While our church does not officially recognize the supposed Covid-19 pandemic, out of an abundance of caution we are highly recommending all of our ‘charismatics’ partake in the Thoughts and Prayers Boosters which will be made available at Pentecostal churches nationwide.”

These boosters apparently strengthen immunity to a litany of ailments, including lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, envy, sexually transmitted diseases and paralysis. For those who experience breakthrough infections from any of these afflictions, the church is also offering full body immersion baptisms, including “tune-up” baptisms for those who have strayed. To date, Thoughts and Prayers have not been shown to be effective at curbing hubris.

Other evangelicals nationwide will likely follow suit despite the CDC routinely pointing out that the pandemic is real and that, in fact, Covid-19 (or the Kung Flu as many fundies like to call it) is more likely to afflict evangelicals due to their resistance to getting vaccinated and their militant refusal to wear masks.

No masks needed, just Jesus

To be clear... this is SATIRE